the education & re-education of love

It's a little more than 2 months before the wedding and this month has been extremely difficult. As the wedding draws near I find myself revisiting questions which I thought I had already accepted, but this time without the rose-tinted glasses, and suddenly I find myself plunging helplessly into the abyss of uncertainty.

Do I have the steadfastness of mind to remain faithful in truly all circumstances & challenges? Can I accept him of all his flaws no matter what he changes to become? Am I willing to sacrifice/compromise parts of ME for the benefit of US?

And I know I have only myself to blame for not addressing these questions earlier, or rather, for not addressing these questions with critical objectivity earlier.

We spent almost 3 hours at the steps of the National Library until midnight on Friday, and I poured out my heart to him about my fears & apprehensions and he finally recognized the gravity of the situation - we even discussed postponing the wedding, the consequences, the costs & whether circumstances warranted such a drastic measure. As I confessed my lack of confidence to him, he asked a question and it became clear why I was crying so much recently - my questions and his inability to re-assure me had sent me spiralling down into depression. For the past months, when we spent time together, I had been crying & emotionally unstable at the slightest thing.

The next day I spent considering the cost of love. About the school of thought that only unfulfilled love can be romantic, and how the idea of this is a sure-fire recipe for a lifetime of unhappiness simply because a desire to be unfulfilled in itself is a twisted way of emotional anorexia - the soul savors the feelings of longing, and fulfillment of that longing leads to further disssatisfaction. I don't know why I failed to see the irony of this sadistic, self-tormenting, virtually insane definition of "love".

This recipe for emotional suicide cannot be what love is, no I refuse to believe that romantic love can only be found in the lacking. True love should be holding the hands of our silver-haired lover on our deathbed & whispering to each other not to cry, but to be grateful we've had the chance to fall in love & overcome the odds together.

Could it be that obstacles in relationships are a baptism of fire for the lovers, not unlike the process of refining gold through the furnace of fire, testing the sincerity of promises made, by compelling the fulfillment of these promises, previously spoken in times of bliss & sweetness? The refiner's fire that produces the strength & purity of the relationship,so it is now a level better - more beautiful, more evolved, and of definite higher worth than juvenile romance backed by only empty promises & whims. Through the baptism, we die... to our selfish desires, for the good of the relationship. To sacrifice ME, for the sake of US, an investment of sorts of tender loving care so that the tree that is the love shared by the two can flourish strong and more deeply rooted, ready for more storms ahead.

So now is the time, the promises are put to the test... and in humility I come before God... because my ways have brought me so far... & I want to rely on my ways no further